Britain Loves Old Gits

The Wild West

2007-08-15T06:10:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

A man arrested after an extremist group made threats to celebrity chefs Jamie Oliver and Rick Stein has been released with no further action to be taken, police said today.
Duane Oddy, from Padstow, Cornwall, was arrested after the two chefs received emails from the Cornish extremist group, the Cornish Liberation Army (CLA)

"Silence in Court! Yes you, that crowdie in the corner!
Will the defondant please rise. Has this man got a wrap, Constable Carrots?"
" Just a parkin offence, your honour."
" Well, my lad you have bean making a right pesto yourself, haven't you. You can't go losing your tempura in this fashion. I can see by your dressing what a tofu are but this doesn't mean you can go around acting the big cheese and going crackers."
"I'm sorry your honour , I mustard lost the nut . Seaweed got a chip on our shoulders about these two cummin down here and muckin' up our heritage, that's what is at steak."
"You mean spoiling your Cornish past, eh?"
"Yes your honour, a pasta were all proud of. I can't stress stroganof how we feel. You gotta admit they have a sauce"
"That's all well and good but you mussel go threatening people with cauliflower ears and other types of a taco . I won't have you taking the coleslaw into your own hands , it's just nut croquette. We be in a right stew if we all did that. This is a gravalax case and you could get porridge, however I ham going to take a leanient veau on this occassion providing you satay out of trouble."
" Oh thank you, you honour, I will be a bacon of virtue. I won't fritter away my thyme beefing about those crepes"
"Parfait, then I will bind you oven to keep the peas"
"Next, quiche............."

Nice one squirrel...............

2007-08-01T04:16:00.000-07:00

News item:

Iran claims that 14 squirrels found near their borders are spies.

The state sponsored news agency , IRNA said - " In recent weeks, intelligence operatives have arrested 14 squirrels within Iran's borders.

The squirrels were carrying spy gear of foreign agencies and were stopped before they could act, thanks to the alertness of our intelligence service"..............

The debonair Nutkin, sipped his peanut colada and smiled at his companion, Nutella.

"I'm off on a sortie to the middle east tomorrow. Can't say where, all a bit hush hush.

She gazed into his hazel eyes. "Oh ,Nutty, you are so brave. Will it be dangerous?"

"Well old thing, we've lost 14 chaps this month already. Most of the Flying Squirrel Brigade. Those blighters are on to us, so M'n'M has decided to fly me there in a Chipmunk to get the gen. "

"Oh, do be careful, Nutty, it's so dangerous!"

"Not to worry Ella, it's won't be my first beech landing"

" But what if they cashew,too?"

"No fears, old horse, they walnut make a monkey out of me, I can use my filbert", grinned Nutkin. "I shall take a quick pecan be back in time for my nuts. So don't pine!

Just for the pun of it.........................

2007-07-27T05:05:00.000-07:00

A compositor walked into a bar and the barman said " Push off , we don't want your type in here!"

A lion took a Cheetah a box of giraffe bits. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I went round to dinner with a friend who is an absolute chess fanatic. He even has a chequered tablecloth. During the meal ,I asked him to pass the salt. It took two him hours.

I had a friend who made a fortune from Strongbow shares. I'm sure it involved some in-cider dealing.

Man walked into a butchers and asked ,
"Could I have a kilo of kiddlies"
Butcher:" You mean kidneys"
Man: "That's what I said, diddle I"

Nick down the shop................................

2007-07-27T02:26:00.000-07:00

The new shopping mall was going to be named 'Highcross Quarter' but will now be called 'Highcross Leicester'...............why?

The local coven complained that they are using that name themselves and don't want any confusion in the names..........

Got me wondering if witches might start their own store...

Oh, hallo Hexy. Hi Hecatty, fancy seeing you here!Well, what do you think of the new Wailmart? Smart innit.It's my first time here, I only spotted it the other day in Witch Magazine.Oh, it's ever so good. You know I used to do all my shopping at Old Harvey Nicks, well I always come here now. It's so handy. Don't have to use the broomstick so much.....savin' the underworld resources and all that.Talking of broomsticks, Hexy love, I need a new one. Any idea where they are?I'm not sure....I think they might be over by white witch goods but ask a shaman, it's what they're paid for. Anyway must fly....don't forget to pick up a Wicca basket to carry your shopping in, Hecatty.No I won't need it, I only came in for some Black Magic............